Therapy or torture?


February 14, 2010: Happy Valentine’s Day. I started treatment on the 8th. The first week of treatment has been going fairly well, but my doctors tell me that the side effects will get worse the more and more treatment I have. I’m trying to soak up this week of no side effects. I am eating whatever I want because I am told that I will probably be back on soft foods and liquids by week 3 or 4.  Ick.

February 24, 2010: Radiation therapy seems like an inhumane treatment, and even treatment is too kind of a descriptor—torture might be a better term. The therapy itself is not tortuous; the side effects however are.  This makes sense I suppose, since they are exposing the human body to radiation. Yes, this stuff in large amounts can kill you.

The therapy is an uncomfortable 10 minute session, which requires me to lie on a hard surface and have my entire face strapped down with a terribly uncomfortable mask. As treatment continues my face is starting to swell, probably some edema coming back…this makes the mask very tight against my face now. I also have to wear this mouth piece which is supposed to protect my teeth. This is getting more difficult to fit into my mouth. The thing they didn’t mention to me was that the radiation therapy will cause the tissues it touches to shorten. Well, I already had scar tissue limiting my ability to open my mouth and now it is even worse.

I have sores on the inside of my mouth (on my tongue, under my tongue), which keep me from being able to actually eat foods. Guess the doctors were right about this liquid diet coming back. They want me to take pain medications, but I hate pain medications. Honestly the pain isn’t that bad, but I know at some point I’m going to have to start taking the oxycodone.

I am also experiencing a loss of the ability to taste anything. This is depressing. I have no appetite and nothing ‘sounds good’ to eat because I can’t actually taste anything.  I do feel myself slipping into a depression, but I don’t want to. I don’t know how not to. I’m trying very hard to be positive and happy, but sometimes it takes too much damn energy. Why can't this just be over? Why me?

I know that there is no good reason for why this is happening and I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this. I don't think anyone deserves this. Good things happen to bad people. I'm trying to see this from the perspective that everything teaches us something. I'm just not sure what I'm learning, or if I even want to learn from this. I just want this to be a bad dream. I want to wake up and realize that the last 4 months just did not happen. Wishful thinking...

At this point the only control I have is over how I handle the situation. So, I'm choosing to be positive. In my eyes, there is no other option. I am refusing to let this break my spirit.

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