The experience of hair loss

December 27, 2009: Slowly, or maybe not so slowly, my hair has been falling out. I wake up in the morning to find small clumps of hair on my pillow and when I’m in the shower washing my hair my hand is filled with clumps of hair. I have been clogging the shower drain with hair, and I find myself feeling angry every time I have to clean the drain out.  I want to cry, and maybe I should let myself. Then again, crying never fixed anything, so maybe it is best I just don’t.

I’m not bald, but my hair is thinning. I am annoyed by my constant shedding of my hair, my beautiful hair. I am also noticing that the hair on my arms has disappeared, and I no longer have to shave my legs or my armpits. I am hoping I don’t lose my eyebrows or eye lashes; does this seem silly? I at least want to look somewhat normal I suppose.

I have asked my dad to shave my head. This might seem crazy, but it is more depressing to have clumps of hair falling out than it will be to just have no hair. Today is the day. After he shaves my head, I’m hoping I will feel a little better. My dad has offered to shave his head with me, and my mom offered as well. I would never ask anyone to shave their head to show their support.  My mom, whom I love dearly, would not be able to handle being bald.  She is a very strong woman, but I think women in general have a weird attachment to their hair. I am attached to my hair, but it is making me angry so I think shaving it off is the best choice. 

Head shaving is now complete.  It is an odd feeling to have no hair. It is definitely much colder.  I think my mom may have cried watching my dad shave my hair off. This may have been more difficult for her than it was for me. I feel relieved that I will no longer have to wake up to find clumps of my hair.  This disease and the process of treating it, doesn’t have to have control over my life. I can make decisions still, and even if the decision is just about shaving off my hair, at least I have control over that.  I might get a wig, just in case I ever feel like having hair any day soon. I definitely will need a hat to wear to bed at night. I am finding that in general I get colder much more easily since having these treatments. This is probably from losing weight; while normally I would love this weight loss, I think right now I am too sick to fully appreciate it.

This is me. Last photo with hair for a while.