Depression and Retail therapy

December 26, 2009: It’s been a while since I’ve written anything down. I think this is for several reasons, but the biggest one being that I have been trying to occupy my time in other ways. I’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately, and I’m not really sure what to do about it.  At this point there are two things I am finding to be extremely frustrating.  The first is that I need help to do almost everything. I am a very independent person, so needing people to take care of me is something that I find frustrating. The second is that my hair is starting to fall out. I’m not bald, but my hair is definitely thinning. Oh the little things that I’ve taken for granted. 

I have been receiving letters, cards, flowers, phone calls and text messages from supportive friends and family.  While I appreciate all of these things, sometimes they are just a reminder that I am sick and that I’m missing out on so much.  My classmates and professors have been amazingly supportive, and considering I’ve only known them for about 6 months, that says a lot.  I am blessed in many ways, even if this situation is a difficult one.

Having to recover from a surgical procedure and undergoing chemotherapy in the middle of winter is not ideal. I can’t go out and get any exercise; though I’m still on crutches I am supposed to be walking around to keep from catching pneumonia.  My parents have been taking me to malls to do some retail therapy and essentially just get me up and moving around. Initially, I was concerned about going out into public. I’m not vain by any means, but our culture focuses a lot on outward appearances. I am not under the illusion that I look good, let’s be honest I look terrible. I know this because I’ve looked at myself in the mirror, and also because of the reaction a retail store employee.  My interaction with the young man at American Eagle was not offensive to me; in fact I thought it was rather funny.

I was at the Maplewood Mall with my father shopping and crutching around. Crutching around is a lot of work; my arms are going to be super buff by the time I start walking againJ.  At the entrance of American Eagle there was an employee passing out coupons to customers entering the store.  As my father and I made our way into the store, this young man looked up to greet us but was so shocked by my appearance he stumbled on his words.

He said, “Ohh, my…honey...uhh... Oh my gosh! Are you okay? I’m going to find you a really great coupon!”

At this point, however, I don’t even care about my appearance or whether or not people are going to be staring at me. I have cancer, yes I am sick. Doesn’t matter what people think; I'll take looking like this for awhile, as long as I can be alive and cancer-free later.