Can I just give up?


March 8, 2010: I feel like I’m dying. I know that I’m not, but if I were to imagine what slowly dying was like, this would probably be it. Is this an exaggeration? I don’t know. This is the worst experience I have ever had, and I hope the worst one I will ever have. I have been avoiding taking pain medications, but the pain has gotten worse. I started on hydrocodone, which has since been upgraded to oxycodone and I am also on pain patches. 

I have lost a lot of weight, my clothes are loose and I look sick. It hurts to even drink water, much less drink these weight gain shakes the doctors have me on. I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m tired all the time. I can’t really find joy in much. My brother has come to visit me and I don’t even drag myself out of bed to see him. This seems selfish. He drove here to see me, and the least I could do is go downstairs to say hi. I don’t do it, though. I would prefer no visitors at this point. I would prefer to be alone.   

I have asked my doctor if I can just quit treatment. I mean, what harm would it do to end at 5 weeks instead of 6? Is there research that shows the most effective amount of radiation therapy? (Haha, my professors would be proud of my thought process right now. Such an OT clinical question to be asking).  Even if there was, it wouldn’t matter because they still don’t have any clue what to call this tumor. Poorly differentiated neuro/neural endocrine tumor. That’s all they have and almost no other cases like mine have been seen. He told me it was my decision, but that he didn’t recommend it. So, I decided that I would continue with treatment. I have never really ‘suffered’ in my life, but I feel like now is an appropriate time to say that I am.

I hate cancer. I hate being sick. I hate not being able to talk. I hate being drugged up. I hate my face being swollen. I hate this treatment. I hate my life right now. My parents are just trying to take care of me, but I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be told I need to eat and drink. I don’t want to be told I need to get out of bed. I know what I need to do. I just don’t think they understand that I can’t. This is hard. I am not myself and it's really irritating me.

March 13, 2010: I just had my last chemotherapy session a week ago. The chemotherapy in combination with my radiation therapy has been the worst. I can’t keep anything down, constantly nauseated and so tired. My last entry was depressing, and I still feel depressed, but almost a little better today.

Two days ago I was in bed just feeling miserable. I really did feel like death. My dad took my temperature, since post-chemo it is common practice to do this to make sure I don’t have an infection. My temperature was 103°F. My dad was kind of in a panic, and told me we needed to go to the hospital. I didn’t even want to move. I just shook my head ‘no’. Hindsight, obviously I was being difficult and that was unfair. I just had no drive, no motivation, and no desire to get out of that bed.

We went to the ER and I ended up being admitted to St. Mary’s Hospital overnight. I had a neutropenic fever. I had IV fluids, IV potassium and even a blood transfusion. I feel less depressed today. I had a couple of visitors at the hospital, and I really did appreciate it. Abbey and Josh came to visit and Kristin also came to visit. Kristin brought me a gift from Sarah.  It was the print she made of me. It was beautiful.

I keep praying for this all to be over. I have been terribly crabby, I know and fully admit to this, and I feel terrible. How selfish of me, really, to be only concerned about myself.  Other people are impacted by this too. My parents are just trying to help me, and I know this isn’t easy for them. I don’t mean to be crabby to them. I am so frustrated.

Also yesterday I was still required to go have radiation therapy treatment. So they wheeled my bed from my hospital room down to the radiation center. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I was unable to have treatment because I was unable to fit the mouth piece into my mouth. This missed day does have to be made up, which is kind of depressing. My last session will now be on my birthday.

I guess the positive way to view this is that it will be a nice birthday present to be done? :)

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