My Cancer Journey

People often say that you should live life without regrets; I think people who don't have regrets have a unique view on life.  No regrets. Perhaps the only way to live without regret is to accept the things that can't be changed and to live your life with intention. Every decision that we make has consequences and they can be positive or they can be negative.  If we make those decisions with the best intentions, then how likely are we to make the wrong decisions, ones that we might regret?  I’m trying to be thankful for everything good that happens, and for everything bad that does not; slowly I am learning to be thankful for what I learn from the bad things that do happen. For everyone, there are moments in life that we never forget, those defining moments in our lives that have profound impact on us. These moments can be joyful or sad, they can be triumphs and they can be struggles. Each person has their own moments and each person is impacted differently by these ...

February 13, 2012: The entry on March 22nd was the last journal entry I made. Here is a general summary of what happened next... I went off the pain medications after 2 weeks of being home. I went cold turkey, which was a bad idea, but no one instructed me to ween myself off of the pain medications. I think my body went into a little bit of withdrawal, but I worked through it! I spent the next several months recovering from all of the side effects. I couldn't believe how long it took me to recover. And then in December of 2010 I had to have more surgery on my jaw. An MRI scan came back with some unusual spots on it, and I had been having signs of infection for a few months before that.  The antibiotics were not helping, so they decided they needed to go back in. We later found out, after the procedure, that the screws holding the metal plate and my jaw together had come loose. Scary! Glad they fixed it. The recovery from that procedure was much faster, and yes it did req...

March 22, 2010: I am done. Finally, I am done. My birthday was yesterday. Happy 22nd Birthday to me! Not exactly how I imagined my birthday, but at least I am alive to celebrate many more birthdays.  I spent my birthday in bed. My parents let me come home after my last treatment and just sleep the entire day. They are still on my case about eating, or should I say drinking my meals.   I still don’t really have an appetite, and my ability to taste hasn’t come back. I still have the sores in my mouth, so I’m eating liquids for now. I’m still on the weight gain shakes. These are ridiculously unhealthy I think. You mix the powder with 8 ounces of whole milk; total number of calories in one 8 ounce glass is 600. I’m supposed to be having at least 3 of these shakes a day if I want to maintain my weight. They would like me to gain weight. Haha, I have never been told to gain weight in my entire life. Never thought I’d hear that! My ability to talk is still kind of limited...

March 8, 2010: I feel like I’m dying. I know that I’m not, but if I were to imagine what slowly dying was like, this would probably be it. Is this an exaggeration? I don’t know. This is the worst experience I have ever had, and I hope the worst one I will ever have. I have been avoiding taking pain medications, but the pain has gotten worse. I started on hydrocodone, which has since been upgraded to oxycodone and I am also on pain patches.   I have lost a lot of weight, my clothes are loose and I look sick. It hurts to even drink water, much less drink these weight gain shakes the doctors have me on. I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m tired all the time. I can’t really find joy in much. My brother has come to visit me and I don’t even drag myself out of bed to see him. This seems selfish. He drove here to see me, and the least I could do is go downstairs to say hi. I don’t do it, though. I would prefer no visitors at this point. I would prefer to be alone.     ...

February 14, 2010: Happy Valentine’s Day. I started treatment on the 8 th . The first week of treatment has been going fairly well, but my doctors tell me that the side effects will get worse the more and more treatment I have. I’m trying to soak up this week of no side effects. I am eating whatever I want because I am told that I will probably be back on soft foods and liquids by week 3 or 4.   Ick. February 24, 2010: Radiation therapy seems like an inhumane treatment, and even treatment is too kind of a descriptor—torture might be a better term. The therapy itself is not tortuous; the side effects however are.   This makes sense I suppose, since they are exposing the human body to radiation. Yes, this stuff in large amounts can kill you. The therapy is an uncomfortable 10 minute session, which requires me to lie on a hard surface and have my entire face strapped down with a terribly uncomfortable mask. As treatment continues my face is starting to swell, probably som...

January 26, 2010: I haven’t written anything down for almost a month. The side effects of my chemotherapy seem to be getting worse the further along I get into treatment. I’m having trouble sleeping at night, so the doctor prescribed some sleeping pills for me. I am also experiencing more pain, but my swelling is going down dramatically.   I have officially been back on a solid food diet for 3 weeks! YAY! This is a big deal. Try having a liquid diet for over 2 months, then the appreciation for solid foods will come.   I have been spending more and more time in La Crosse; I want to live my life as normally as possible until I start radiation therapy.   I will begin my treatments the first week in February.   All in all chemotherapy has not been that bad. The occasional nausea, constant fatigue and the hair loss are the only major side effects. They have some good medications for the nausea, so I am controlling that fairly well.   My last chemo session ...

December 31, 2010: Today is the last day of this year. My journey is just beginning I know, but somehow a new year brings on thoughts of new beginnings. I’m going to try to make the most of everything. If I’ve learned anything in the last month it is this: we take too many things for granted. I am working on trying to appreciate everything. Life is short. This sounds cliché, but it is the truth. Young people get cancer and young people die. This is unfair, but it is the reality. I never thought I’d be 21 years old and have a cancer diagnosis. Never. Here I am though. I have been trying to stay positive. This is possibly because I don’t know how else to be. Eternally optimistic some might call it.  Some might think I"m crazy, and some have actually said that they're waiting for me to "have a complete break down". I don't think this is going to happen to be honest :) and I'm happy about that.  I am spending time in La Crosse, WI with my friends because it...